In Western society, being straight (heterosexual) and being in a monogamous relationship (with only one romantic partner at a time) have been seen as the “normal” or ideal ways to live. Because of this, even when same-sex or gender-fluid relationships are accepted, they are often judged by the same standards set by straight, monogamous relationships. This idea is called mononormativity—the belief that monogamy is the best or most valid way to love and live.
Mononormativity affects how we view relationships and even mental health. For example, many therapists consider the ability to maintain a long-term, monogamous relationship as a sign of emotional health. But that is not true for everyone. Some people choose not to be in exclusive relationships—not because they fear intimacy, but because they do not feel that monogamy fits their values or desires. They may believe that monogamy is a rule created by evolution, government, or religion, rather than a personal truth.
People who prefer open relationships, polyamory (having multiple loving partners), asexuality (not experiencing sexual attraction), or casual sex are often unfairly seen as immature or emotionally unhealthy. But instead of judging these people, we should be asking a different question: Are their relationships working for them?
A 2015 study* found that people in nontraditional relationships were just as healthy, happy, and sexually satisfied as those in monogamous ones. The study used the term (non)monogamy to include all the different ways people manage emotional and sexual connections—whether with one person or many. This idea encourages us to see relationships as existing on a spectrum, rather than fitting into neat categories. It allows for a more human and flexible understanding of how people connect.
People in non-monogamous relationships often face judgment from others, including family, friends, and society. They also must deal with their own internalized beliefs about what relationships “should” look like—which might induce feelings of jealousy or ownership. That is why it is important for people to be honest with themselves about what they truly want and need, and to clearly communicate and agree on relationship rules with their partners. These agreements should be flexible and open to change as needed.
In therapy, when clients feel unsure or conflicted about monogamy, a helpful approach is to separate their sexual needs from their emotional needs. Sexual needs come from physical desire and hormones, while emotional needs come from the desire to feel connected, loved, and secure. Sometimes, these needs can overlap, as in romantic relationships. Where they do not overlap, however, is where we need to look.
The goal in therapy is not to push someone toward monogamy or any one lifestyle. It is to help them understand their own desires and figure out how to meet those needs in a healthy, honest way. By doing this, people can accept themselves as they are, rather than trying to fit into narrow societal standards that may not bring them true happiness.
by David Bowman, LMFT
This article was first published on davidbowmanlmft.com. David is a licensed California Marriage and Family Counselor and the creator of Father Figures: Reparenting for Gay Men.
*Van Eeden-Moorefield, B., Malloy, K., & Benson, K. (2015, Dec. 14). Gay Men’s (Non)Monogamy Ideals and Lived Experience. Sex Roles, 75, 43-55.
Photo by Mario Häfliger on Unsplash